Obama signs payroll tax deal, heads to Hawaii: Chicago Tribune

There once was a tax cut extension

That passed after weeks of high tension

It’s two months of peace

Then comity will cease

A small detail I won’t even mention

Bargain hunter pepper sprays other shoppers: L.A. Times

If shopping’s a chore in which you can bask

The best day of the year you don’t need to ask

Black Friday is tops

For cruising the shops

As long as you wear a sturdy gas mask

Girl Defeats Boys to Win Girls Swim Title: NY Times

In Massachusetts where liberals throng

They passed a law to right a wrong

So it’s no big deal

Though a tad surreal

Its female athletes can have a shlong

Gingrich surging in new polls: USA Today

The Perry act was easily skewered

And Cain was so clearly untutored 

But Gingrich’s rise

Makes Mitt now surmise

This time he might really get Newtered

Cain says God persuaded him to run for president: USA Today

Lord said to Cain when he knelt to pray

I want you to run for presidente

If this truly is so

I just want to know

Why does God hate the U.S. of A?

Oregon man prepares to pilot lawn chair over Baghdad: L.A. Times

Ken Couch is a man filled with élan

Who floats lawn chairs then simply holds on

He’ll soar over Baghdad

While praying like mad

The winds don’t blow him into Iran

Herman Cain says he was 'falsely accused' of sexual harassment in the 1990s

Herman Cain claims he never did harass

Two young women in a way that was crass

A witch hunt, he said

It’s all in their head

Now that sure is a fine piece of sass

Perry Plan Would Grant Big Tax Break to Richest: New York Times

Cowboy Rick wants a tax rate that’s flat

Cause simple’s a plan Mitt can’t combat

But isn’t it funny

He gives all the money

To the cats who are already fat

Megadonors pump money into SuperPACs: USA Today

If buying a pol is one of your dreams

Then SuperPacs are the best of all schemes

Spend a cool million

Or even a billion

It’s freedom of speech thanks to the Supremes

Cleanup of Protest Park Postponed: New York Times

Occupy Wall Street has set the benchmark

For having a bite that is less than its bark

Demands by the ton

Yet all they have won

Is no stinkin’ cleanup of Zuccotti Park

Palin Says She's Not Running: New York Times

Count me out, sweet Sarah did opine

This clearly is not my time to shine

True, Mitt can be whipped

And Perry sure has slipped

But I never can top 9-9-9

N.J.’s Chris Christie: ‘Now is not my time’: The Washington Post

When Perry’s quest to be prez came a cropper

The call went out for a tougher Mitt stopper

But Christie demurred

His run he deferred

So they’re stuck with the smiling flip-flopper

Banks to Make Customers Pay Fee for Debit Card Use: New York Times

Most merchants cried this isn’t fair

Debit charges are too much to bear

Congress did agree

To outlaw this fee

Now the little guys pay the whole fare

Last-meal requests come to an end on Texas death row: Houston Chronicle

If you are planning to off a dude

Avoiding Texas would be so shrewd

It’s just surreal

For your last meal

They’ll only serve the usual food

Federal prosecutors call Full Tilt Poker 'a global Ponzi scheme': L.A. Times

Full Tilt Poker held funds with false surety

While players gambled on in obscurity

But the Feds muscled in

Said in order to win

Put your money on Social Security

Dissatisfaction with Congress matches record: Boston Globe

While Congress steeps in venom and graft

The country continues to get the shaft

Of them we have wearied

Say most folks when queried

Except for the few certifiably daft

For women, moderate midlife drinking linked to healthier old age: USA Today

A stout gal who lived out on the prairies

Was raised only on drinks from choice dairies

But shocked by the news

Of the wonders of booze

She soon daily drank two Bloody Marys

Woman's breast implant explodes during paintball: L.A.Times

This gal with an impressive rack

For paintball she sure had a knack

She played with much pluck

But forgot to duck

Now one breast is way out of whack

Bachmann: I was being 'humorous' with disaster remark: USA Today

Ms. Bachmann donned the role of pastor

Said quakes are a sign from our Master

She may be a seer

But one thing is clear

Her comment was a P.R. disaster

Bernanke proposes no new steps to boost economy: LA Times

Big Ben met with his Fed committee

Then spelled out the harsh nitty gritty

Real help I’ll forego

And print no new dough

So Texas will treat me pretty pretty

Libyan rebels: 'It's over, frizz-head': The New Zealand Herald

The rebels stormed Tripoli where they

Searched every last compound for their prey

It’s plain now to see

For Colonel Gaddafi

This is an historic bad hair day

 

Drug Is Found to Extend Lives of Obese Mice: NY Times

Big pharma found a drug with a knack

Fat mice can live longer they did flack

   So if you’re obese

   Your worries can cease

Ditch those carrots for a juicy Big Mac

 

Critics call on Obama to cancel his Martha’s Vineyard vacation: Washington Post

Barak planned some time off to unstress

Which caused cranky critics to obsess

   We hand down this decree

   You should stay in D.C.

To work with the out-of-town Congress

 

Enter Rick Perry, Formidable Fund-Raiser: New York Times

Rick Perry joined the primary race

With a plan to win this grueling chase

   It’s God that he chose

   To vanquish his foes

Still his friends send him cash just in case

 

 

Kanye West Compares Himself to Hitler at British Festival: Rolling Stone

At Big Chill Kanye started to yap

I'm more hated than that Hitler chap

   Blokes who may scoff

   Can all bugger off

It is just one more bloody bad rap

Dow plunges 400, erasing gains for the year: Chicago Tribune

There once was a debt-ceiling fight

Won by the tea party outright

   These cuts we trust

   Will forestall a bust

And for two days they were right

Ex-aides assert James Murdoch knew of hacking: Boston Globe

I knew zilch baby Murdoch averred

But his staff called this claim just absurd

   Old Rupert was humble

   My son made a bumble

So I whacked him with a pie full of curd

Gang of Six: New hope in the crisis: Washington Post

Bad news for the senate Gang of Six

And its plan for a deficit fix

   Cause some taxes will rise

   So its a compromise

Just made for the Tea Party to nix